If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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A duv-egg? In this economy?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Me in tagged photos
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.