HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
You Might Also Like
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
me 2 months after i graduated
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
whatcha thinkin bout
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?