That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills