Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet