Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁