Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.