society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
The first matador
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
So, can we agree on 4 or
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*