This chloroform smells expensiv…
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Bro what is this
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.