Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
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[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.