A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.