If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”