I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
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Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
yall want some gasoline milk
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …