Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.