Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
You Might Also Like
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
real
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh