I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Donkey Kong sommelier
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
How dude HOW?!
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.