me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.