Donkey Kong sommelier
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Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Any refunds available?…
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy