When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.