[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
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A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
One of the best
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”