ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The Weeknd is back
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.