Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
🙋♀️
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.