Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
much to think about
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”