Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Only a mother’s love …
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.