[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV