I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”