date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’