The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil