Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My beach vacation Google searches
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate