governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
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I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Human are so complicated
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Don’t tell me what to do
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio