Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
girls literally only want one thing..
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
British websites use biscuits.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake