Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.