Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
No YOUR a grammar nazi!