A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
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Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.