This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
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[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition