My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*