Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.