Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Your secret is safeish with me
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal