The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
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I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*mops up wine with cat*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband