So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
this is the best day of my life
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
What the hell happened in there??
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law