No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
TRAIN’S HERE
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Best spoiler warning ever
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.