Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.