Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
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You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.