Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I missed you with all my darts
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT