You Might Also Like
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
From Facebook just now…
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.