Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.