My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
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Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.