I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
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my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
me refusing to leave twitter
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I think they could have phrased this better
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.