Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.