That seems a conundrum…
🤔
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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.