If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
consequences, the bane of my existence
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
smh
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.